Blog 7 - Truth Am I being honest?

Well, the truth be told, I feel as though I was very truthful. As a matter of fact, I was questioning some information as I was writing as to whether or not it seems as though the info may be over the top. My story is that of a lifetime movie and we all know how much truth is in there. I will stick to my story just the way it is. Perhaps I could be mistaken some in timing or sequence of small events but that is something I need to work through.

Blog 4 - Dreamin Again - Memoir

Its about 4 a.m. and I am sitting here waiting for my name to be called. My lifeless body has taken the form of this chair as I feel I have been sitting here for eternity. Every minute feels like an hour and every time the damn door opens I think they are going to call my name. “Tina, the doctor will see you now!” “Tina?” Ok I have been here much longer than Tina has. I was here way before Tina was. Why does she get to go now and Im still sitting here waiting. Why are all these people in white; no one has a face. I know who everyone is by name as I have been coming here for so long but yet they have no features. Their voices are blurred and its sounds like babbling, yet I hear my name every now and again. I know they are talking about me. Why can’t they tell me what’s going on. Why am I the last to know. How can twelve people know what is going on but me. I have spent my whole life waiting for this moment, again.
I guess someone will help me get up there. That table is always so chilly and the radio seems to be playing the same song over and over. It’s the same song that was playing the last three times I was here. I am so focused on what is going on now for the third time, I am not thinking about anything else. Home is just a place where I hang my hat now. It was always a comfy place filled with love and commitment and now it is four walls closing in on me similar to the walls that surround me now. Im starting to get very tense. I can feel the weight of heavy stares in the back of my head. Why are they staring at me. I know what they are thinking and I don’t like it. People should not be judgemental when you have not walked in my old worn shoes. I have walked these shoes for the third time now and each time does not get any easier. “Lisa!” Oh my God!! It’s me they are calling me!! Ok just relax, whatever will be, will be.

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

SNOOZE! YAWN! STRETCH! YAWN AGAIN!

Its Friday morning, time to get up, get in the shower and get there. My appointment is at nine and I should have all my results by ten. How exciting. Im either going to be very disappointed or so exciting I wont be able to stand it! Whatever the news, I need to be prepared. I have been in this situation now many times and need to make sure the news I get this time is no different. It’s all how you handle things. The room is done and done and done again. I have changed it around numerous times and hopefully this will be the last. It seems as though I change the room to change the news I am going to get and that doesn’t help. I try not to think about it, who can’t? This has consumed me, held onto my emotions so tightly. What a grip! I feel like a sausage in a casing trying to squeeze myself out of both ends, HELP!
Oh this shower feels good. Make sure my legs are shaved and I wash and rinse well as they will be examining me from the tips of my toes to the top of my pretty little head. Wow, look at all these bruises. Those small needles sure do a lot of damage to my body. I am still trying to figure out how all this medication is supposed to help me when all it really does it pack on the pounds and make me feel like vomiting.
Whew! I need a new hot water heater. The hot water is not lasting as long as my showers are. My expenses now overwhelm me. I am drowning in debt with cold water. I am spending and waiting and testing and its all for something I have waited my whole life for. It is an experience that I so desperately want to have. I have to pay for it!? That just doesn’t seem fair, does it? I have to bring my checkbook and put myself in the hands of science! Ok, sometimes I need to tell myself to relax. Step out onto the rug, be careful, its slippery, dry off, get dressed and get to my appointment.
This parking lot is packed; where am I going to park. Handicapped spot? Ok I don’t have the sticker but I sure do feel that way.
WOW There is the seat that practically swallowed me in my dream. I go up to the window as I have so many times, “Lisa?” the girl says, before I can get it out myself.
Yes, I am Lisa. Ok I am on the prayer chain at church, I have worn my St. Gerard pin on my bra now for years, I have everyone routing for me here. Ok, Im going to sit down and read a magazine…Parenting, Parents, The Child, Pamphlets on Pregnancy, etc. The list goes on. I cannot get away from it, it’s everywhere. Its going to happen this time, I am sure of it. “Lisa!” They called my name, yes? “Your co-pay please.” Oh..this is torture!
Relax, think positively!
I am FINALLY called in. Undressed from the waist down, yea, yea, yea…I know all about it! The doctor comes in with a not-so-good attitude, “Im sorry”, he said. “There is not much else we can do at this point.” “We can try again!” AGAIN? AGAIN? I am running out of money, my husband won’t even talk to me anymore, my nursery had been decorated three different times with three different themes with three different procedures and you want me to do this again!! I feel like driving off the nearest cliff!!
I am tired, I am sick and tired. I am sick and tired of fighting this losing battle. I have tried three times and three times I have failed. I don’t know how much more one person can take. My family is distraught, my husband is sick and tired of masturbating in small rooms into small cups with shitty magazines. “Well, have you ever considered adoption?” No, I guess I haven’t, but I guess I am going to have to now!
I asked my husband to make sure he was home for dinner that night as we needed to speak NOW, as usual. He would not even hear of adoption. We had no money, we were in debt, I was frazzled, he was pissed and I was at a loss.
That night I went to bed alone. He was next to me physically but not emotionally. I could hear his breathing but he wouldn’t speak any words to me that I wanted to hear, “Lisa, just forget it, ok, just forget it!” I couldn’t! The next day I went to my parents house and cried and cried and cried. My daddy right next to my side as he always was and said, “hunny, your mom and I will do whatever you say and we will help you in any way possible…”
Four months, ten thousand dollars and another new nursery later, I was pregnant with twins! Not only one, BUT TWO!! Two what, boys, girls, one of each. Two heart beats, two cribs, two bouncy seats, two high chairs, two bassinetts, two..two..two..
I don’t think I was ever so happy in all my life. It was Christmas time and what a wonderful gift this was.
I was sick and tired again, but this was a wonderful sick and tired. I could take anything anyone had to give me right now. I could face anything at anytime, I loved life, went shopping, bought book after book on “how to’s” . I did it all! I enjoyed every moment of being pregnant. These little miracles growing inside me is a feeling I cannot even put into words, indescribable!
May 4, my wedding anniversary, all hell broke loose. I called my husband at work, IM IN PAIN! I was brought over to the doctor’s office immediately! My worst nightmare was coming true twenty weeks into it. What is wrong with me, what is happening. I was back in my dream all over again where everyone was talking and I didn’t understand what they were saying, they were all wearing white and no one had a face. No one could tell me what was going on. I waited there until I was seen by another “high-risk” doctor.
Ya know the kind that paces as he speaks and chews the end of his medium point bic pen. The kind that scratches his head as he doesn’t even know what is going on. Well, we agreed to bed rest. Two weeks later, she was gone. Christina her name was and her brother Christian was still going strong. I couldn’t function for a long time. I had medication to help me sleep, then medication to help me get up, then medication to help me shower. They probably should have just put me in a rubber room and shut the door because I was breaking down in a bad way!
I layed on my floor one day as I was dragging myself to the bathroom and just cried and cried and realized how I have to go on for the other life living inside me. I have to keep him well and let him know, we are going to be fine. He was a fighter just like his mommy. On August 26, 1998 he was born by C-section huge head nine pounds and a bundle of joy and love! My little miracle is eight years old now and is everything I thought he would be and more.
I left my husband when my son was thirteen months old as we drifted in two different directions quickly after going through so many things together. I have realized over time that you are never given anything that you cannot handle and that things happen for reasons that are sometimes unexplainable.

Blog 2 - personal essay vs. memoir

Lisa Rotella

I feel that personal essays and memoirs definitely overlap and they probably have more things in common that they do differently. There are still some distinctions that I believe make a difference.


Personal Essays
One instance – maybe one experience
Story based on an experience and how you reacted to it
The reflection of a situation that occurred
History repeated itself – alcoholism, drugs, etc.
Topic and a personal viewpoint
Not objective – strictly opinion

Memoirs
Events over a long period of time
Personal Essay + Auto Biography like story
Life stories or lessons
Journal – everyday occurrences for extended periods of time
Diary

Blog 3 - Personal Essay - Family

Close-Knit

Kissimmee, Florida, November 30, 1969. It’s a girl!! An exhausted mom and proud dad stare at her all night long. “Gayle, she’s exactly what I always dreamed she would be!” “She’s beautiful and I think she has my eyes!” “I know, John, she’s perfect!” “I cant stop looking at her!”
These were my feelings exactly when I laid eyes on my little guy in ‘98! And now that I am a parent myself I can completely relate to those feelings! It has been 37 years and my parents feel the same way about me now as they did the day I came into this world.
My mother and father, two perfect people in my eyes, in a not-so-perfect world. My dad, struggling to make a living every day while my mom stays home and takes care of “his little girl.” Exactly the way I wanted it for myself when I had a baby!
I grew up in a normal, stable, loving environment with both, my mother and my father. We lived in a trailer park in Florida with my father’s parents right next door. Looking back now, I can see some things that were missing growing up but while my growing up was taking place, I had no clue. All I knew was that I had people that loved me and I was in a wonderful place. A great place to be, I thought. It was a place full of stories and teachings by my grandparents next door, a place of warn nuture by my parents with so much love to give and lessons to be learned. Everyday I awoke in this sunshine state and would brush my teeth, put my bathing suit on and my mom would struggle with my curly hair to get it back into that bun she always loved. My grandpop would come over with a pound of bacon and scrambled eggs everyday. “Lisa, If you want to grow up strong and be a good swimmer, you have to start with a hearty breakfast!” Yes, I knew that as the first five years of life I ate scrambled eggs and bacon EVERYDAY. Honestly, I think my breakfast weighed me down in the deep-end of the pool some, but my grandfather new best as far as I was concerned.


I was a spunky, fabulous five years old when my brother came into my world. What a cute little guy! I wasn’t sure if he was going to cramp my style, ride my coattails or just have a life of his own. I never knew my relationship with my parents and grandparents now had to be shared with this screaming little person who quite frankly, got in my way a bit. Lets face it, I was the “center of the universe” so I was told. I am not used to sharing anything!


As years passed, my brother and I finally became “friendly”. He was finally walking and talking and he seemed somewhat interesting when I had nothing else to do! The trailer park got suddenly small and my grandparents decided they would go back to Jersey and leave the campgrounds to my great uncles to take care of . My grandfather had a business in Jersey as well that needed tending too. They had other grandchildren in Jersey as well and thought we should be all in one state. A very typical scenario of an Italian family, hence, close-knit.
We all moved back to New Jersey with my grandparents. Housing here was not affordable for my immediate family so we did what any other Italian would do, moved into the basement of the closest relative, my grandparents again! At the age of eight, I knew everything of course. I definitely knew, something was really wrong here when we had no windows to speak of, no pool and a very small back yard. “Where is my pool?”
I had a new school, new place to live, new friends and still kinda kickin around with my little brother. I thought I should be so much more than that at this stage. I wasn’t too happy and I had to have one of those “sit on my lap, hunny” kinda talks with my grandmother. She would always twist my curls in between her fingers when she would tell me something that she thought was very important. This explanation was no different. Somehow, someway, my grandmother always made things seem so simple. She would explain to me what she thought was most important and let the rest fall by the waste side. She always spoke highly of how important family is and when I have children and grandchildren someday, I might be explaining things to them just as she is explaining them to me. In the end, I knew I would find other friends, get used to my windowless apartment in the basement and enjoy being together with family as that is the most important thing.


I remember that conversation like it was yesterday and I refer to it daily in my life as a parent now. That wasn’t the only conversation I remember vividly. There were many times throughout years of growing up that I remember saying, “Yes, I understand, I would like it to be this way for me too, someday!” I remember using my parents and my grandparents as examples of what I wanted for myself. My brother and I were taught as children and young adults that you should not be questionable or analytical about other people. Don’t judge anyone until you have walked in their old worn shoes. My grandfather had been around the block as they say and although lacking an academic education he had practically created a school of his own, called the “school of hard knocks.” He graduated suma cum lade in “street smarts.” He always said, “take people at face value”, “You trust someone until they prove you wrong! And if they do, then you move on and take it as a learning experience!”
He had a successful business in demolition and scrap. Here is where he learned about many different types of people and ways of doing business where you always look out for another. I guess perhaps those were the old days as my father is in that business my grandfather left him and its very cut throat. I have had many learning experiences during adolescents and my early twenties. I have made some great choices and some not so great choices but always willing to make sure I was willing to pay any consequence for any action I would take.
Little did I know my learning experience would result in me being a single mom with a new baby trying to put pieces of our lives back together.


It ended up to be those lessons taught to me by these four great people that made me realize I am in a situation that is not what I have always wanted. Actually it’s the exact opposite.
It was a man I met over fifteen years ago. A man that was intelligent and experienced, wordly, well traveled and fun. He seemed a lot like my dad but unfortunately, I think I mistaken control for love. That is a lesson I learned all by myself and perhaps someday I will be able to share that with a child or grandchild.
We dated for four years and decided to get married in 1996. We both wanted children and both agreed that me being a stay at home mom would be the best for our soon to be family. Our endless attempts at pregnancy just consumed me! My husband would be working all the time to make sure we had the resources to move further using scientific methods if need be. Well three difficult pregnancies later, some serious trauma and my marriage slipping away, we finally had our little boy Alexander! I had a feeling in the hospital that things were not good between my husband and I. He was no longer the focal point of my life and referred to himself as “sperm donor.” Alexander had to stay some extra days in the hospital as he was having some problems. My husband wanted me to come home and come back in the morning everyday. I was not leaving my baby there! I would sleep in a chair in the hallway or in an extra bed the hospital may have had, but I am not leaving my baby here. This was the beginning of the end! My husband constantly harping on me, “what happened to us, why is everything all about the baby constantly?” That was a question that I couldn’t even believe that one would ask. This is your son! This is an infant with issues that need to be addressed. I couldn’t understand where he was coming from as in my family there is nothing that comes between mother/father and child, NOTHING!


We finally came home to what is supposed to be the most exciting time in our lives and it ended up to be the most difficult. I was obsessed with my newborn, trying to do everything right and making sure he was well taken care of. He developed some issues with his respiratory track and it was just one hospital visit after another. Every night sitting next to his bassinett when we would come home from hospital trips or sleeping on the side of his crib when he got a little older, making sure I was aware of his every breath. My whole entire world focused on my little boy, very much like my parents had focused on my brother and I as children. God! I wish my grandmother were still here as I would be asking for her to be right by my side as she always was. My mother was at my house or by my side in the hospital all the time. My husband was starting to go out more and more and try and find some other avenues that would entertain him as his home life in his eyes was becoming bleek at best. I could hear my grandmothers voice in my head over and over saying, “Lisa, calm down, tell John how you feel, you’ll be ok.” She spoke to me everyday sharing her wisdom as she always has. I would ask her aloud to help me out in my times of need as she was no longer here physically but was in my heart always. A few weeks later, my husband got a new job in Sales. Well now he can go out all the time and justify it easily by saying he’s working! Well, hes working alright! Out every night “working” while I am home taking care of my little guy. We started fighting about everything, money, the baby, money, the baby, money and the baby. “Ever since HE came into the picture, things have been rough!” “WHAT?”…”HE, I said” Who would refer to their own son by the pronoun HE. This is where I had to say to myself, “self, what is going on?” Every weekend he had something going on for work and every weekend I would spend with my family and the baby as he didn’t have any time for Alexander and I. We seeked help. We needed it. We needed to come to the realization that something is very wrong. Something wrong with me, fine, I will fix it. Something wrong with John, never, its never John. I will always be Lisa. A couple of months have passed and I was cleaning out the basement as the baby was taking a nap. Surprise! I came across marijuana in my basement, sexually explicit video tape and few things I rather not mention. WOW! This is someone I thought I knew for years and somehow now I am living with a stranger.
September 9, 1999, it was a Thursday. My dad picked me up with a cloths basket full of clothes, my baby and my two cats. Things just got so ugly so fast and I knew I would be able to dedicate myself to my son alone.


Here I am, eight years later! Whew, those years flew and I have to say, I do the best I can with what I have. Im a mom, a dad, a teacher, a cook, cleaning lady, I am everything.
My parents are right there where they always have been, just as they were when I was little. I plan on repeating history as I feel this history is definatley worth repeating!